One of the many questions I received from family and friends after the Lord called me to Africa was, “Are you going to blog?” My initial thought was, of course! Blogging?? Me? Piece of cake! After all, I did major in English, I’ve always been an open book, and I thoroughly enjoy writing. However, as I sit here staring at (what was) my blank piece of paper, I am finding that expressing everything I’ve been exposed to and am currently encountering is quite challenging. I mean, half of what I’m experiencing, I can’t even explain myself, much less put into words on paper. However, this blog was never intended to be just mine. I pray that the Lord would use this site as a tool to share just some of the work that he is doing around the world and in me. With that being said, I want to be as real as I can with you guys. Like I stated before, I’m an open book. Instead of sharing a story of someone or something, I want to share with you what is going on, deep down inside the heart of me. As I was pondering what to post, I thought to myself, what better way to be real with you guys than to share my latest journal entry...
My spirit is sweetly broken. I feel
broken because I can’t seem to see nor understand Gods plan for my life. I’m
scared. I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared of what’s to come. Being a Christ
follower I desire to be in Gods will but what if he’s will is neither one I
want or willing to accept, for that matter. I am clinging to God’s promise
that he has good plans for me, a hope, and a future but right now, honestly, I
feel hopeless. Satan’s attacks are strong and I am emotionally and physically
exhausted from everything I am experiencing and encountering in Africa. I love
Africa, however, I sometimes feel as though I am making no
difference in the lives of others, which is something my heart so longs to do.
I have questioned if God really meant to send me here and each time I come to
the conclusion that, yes, I was destined to be here because of the peace I had
before I left! My mind has to believe this is where God wants me even though my
heart sometimes does not “feel” it. I know he called me here at a young age and
I am thankful for that calling but right now I am doubting God. I am questioning
God. I am often frustrated with God. I am discouraged. I
want, I need, just a tiny glimpse of hope at this point in my journey. Before I came to Africa, I prayed that God would break me and my heart, and that is what he is doing. A tough prayer to pray but one that was needed in order to challenge and strengthen my walk with him. So, just as he is answering that prayer now, I know that the hope shall surely come.
May
31st, 2013
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